25 May 2010

I get this feeling

Words eluded me today, which may be just as well. Frustration and annoyance have been my close companions. My patience wears thin to the point of transparency as school winds down, and this year is no exception.

Every morning, I take a breath, and dive back in.

But I know what I'm feeling. What I'm feeling is something on a different plane from the commonplace rigors of the daily grind. I knead dough and later, slice bread for sandwiches, but my mind is elsewhere. I drive the familiar paths to my varied destinations, but I see a different landscape unfolding. Someone speaks, but I fail to attend.

I know what I'm feeling. There are words for it. Words like yearning and anticipation. And while those words describe aspects of this, it goes deeper and differently. We know each other, this feeling and me, and have for a long time. It is a beginning; it is something that often burns quietly, but when it is released, radiates heat and light, becomes visible.

Atmospheric changes...

Go listen to some good music: "Scars" from the album Presto by Rush. There is a black phoebe that haunts the front garden and since spring began, has become quite noisy and insistent in its call. If you could find a silent version of that, it is where I am now.

4 comments:

Deb said...

Sudden ennui? I think not. Reread your entries. The caldera that is my lovely Dancing Grenade has been percolating for a year. I am anticipating the explosion.

guerrilla girl said...

Nowhere in there does it say "sudden." ;-)

Deb said...

You never explicitly stated "sudden," but I inferred it from the context. For instance, you weren't able to name what you were feeling, as if you hadn't yet labeled it, something we do with familiar feelings. You also talked about the sensation coming "as school winds down," implicating that the feeling has only begun occurring recently.

If you would like any more English major overly-interpreted-because-it-was-not-intelligently-read-the-first-time happy crappy equivocation, you know where to find me!

;p

guerrilla girl said...

Ah. There are two different ideas at play here: frustration and annoyance as *companions* then yearning and anticipation as *feelings*. Yes, both are emotional responses, but in this case one is outward (annoyance...and has it ever been!) and one is inward (anticipation). I do what I need to do on a daily basis, but essentially, I'm elsewhere. Face to the world/what I've been dealing with for nearly two years vs. what lies beneath/what is trying to make itself known. The transition (primarily, the third paragraph) may not have been as clear to you (or anyone else) as it was to me. As I said, words were eluding me!

And I love my fact that MY blog is the only one on earth that I ever see a discussion of the semantics of content. lol