14 March 2010

Diamond dogs

Dear Michael Kors,

Michael, Michael, Michael. I watch Project Runway. True, you couldn't call me a devoted fan; I'm a bit hit and miss. But Michael, I listen to your words when you talk to the competitors. Seriously. You have some good and worthy commentary about fashion. I mean that as a compliment because let's face it: some designers are off on another planet when it comes to dressing women. And by another planet, I mean Pluto, not one of our near sisters like Venus or Mars. Not even one of the gas giants, though some have the egos of gas giants and the fashion sense of a gas giant's tiny molten heart.

But I digress.

So, Michael, I'd say that a lot of your Project Runway criticism tends to be spot on when it comes to the female form and what a real woman wants to wear and buy. I appreciate the thought you put into designing and critiquing design. I, in fact, own some of your pieces. More to the point, I nearly always agree with you when I hear you say, "No woman would want to wear..."

Yeah. Well, Michael?

I can't speak for all women, but no way would I want to wear this:

Nordstrom.com MICHAEL Michael Kors Pleat Neck Top

DUDE! Were you high on tanner fumes?

Let's start with the color. It is ghastly. It makes the model look sallow, not a good look for anyone. No one but an azalea bush looks good in that color. And I am not an azalea bush.

Now clearly, the model is a woman of a certain age. Oh, but wait! She's not. She only looks to be of a certain age because of the dowdy lines created by the "gentle puckers" on her square neckline that doesn't quite frame her slightly peeved face. No woman, Michael, wants a gentle pucker anywhere on her body. As a woman who sports the leftover gentle puckers of pregnancy, I swear on my firstborn that this is true.

Let's just carry that pregnancy thought a bit further here, shall we? Is our model une femme enceinte? 'Cause she sure looks that way with that unflattering little pooch hanging there around her waistline. No woman wants extra volume around her midsection, ever, especially when it's caught up around her hips to give a balloon effect.

I'm concerned about the level of taste here. Honestly, this shirt screams 1974 pink polyester nightmare hanging on the discount rack at Walmart. Or worse, Yellow Front, the mainstay of cheap haute horror in Tucson back in the day. Remember that really rough and cheap polyester that was so popular back then? Yeah, that. In pink.

So what do we have here? A young, slim model who has been made to look both older and heavier! Dowdy! Didn't someone on Project Runway get fired for that crime? Several somebodies? Additionally, I'm concerned about the level of taste here. This shirt is tacky. This shirt bores me.

I don't even have the energy to go after this. Shall we just say Victorian Nightshirt in Gruesome Green? DUDE! Even the reviewer (who loves it, incidentally) says it's comfy...like a pajama top.

Fail, Mr. Kors. Epic fail.

(Yeah, I still plan to buy the camp shirt. And probably the ponte knit dress...)

Go listen to some good music: "Diamond Dogs" from the album Best of Bowie by David Bowie. I really do like Michael Kors' design philosophy and he can be pretty strident on PR, but he's honest, and I'd say generally right. However, last night, I listened to him and Nina Garcia crucify some designers who previously had put out some pretty interesting stuff because of one bad design. Sure, this is TV, it's a trial by fire, and you have to have cojones to make it big in any industry, but I found myself profoundly irritated by this episode's critiques. And then I saw this damned blouse. And said, "GAK!" So this post was done in fun, but also to point out that MK has his own design failures. Because, holy mackerel! Hideous! Can you tell I've been shopping again? Short fashion fuse here. You guys, you gotta remember that I'm expected to wear this...uh...stuff.


Deb said...

Egads! Those tops were a blast from the K-Mart past. And I do think the judges were too harsh on Mila. They called her look boring, but it wasn't at all. I have to say that she does remind me of you quite a bit, which might be why I love her so much.

guerrilla girl said...

Mila's vest was fabulous. I loved the color, the sheen of the leather insert, and the slight glitter of the fabric. She really caught the look and texture of a great rock...it reminded me of something with mica in it. But I'd say that the knitwear that went along with it was pretty much a yawn, though I liked the colors. Still, I felt that she fulfilled the challenge every bit as much as those who got a pass, and really didn't deserve the drubbing she got. The textile Jonathan created for his dress was lovely, but the design of the dress itself was pretty awful. And if they were going to kick Ben to curb, Amy should have been right there with him because that hair bag was just gross.

Not that I have an opinion or anything.

Deb said...

Oh, gawd ... the hair bag. Didn't someone else get booted because his taste was called into question? You know, G.G., I'm afraid you are onto something. The waist band is making a comeback this year. Why, I'll never know. They didn't look good when there were fewer fatties about.