03 December 2008

Square one

I went out and looked at the world.

I changed.

The world didn't change with me.

My world didn't change with me.

I no longer fit into my own life.

Life is full of cycles and upheavals. Those cycles often require that we redefine ourselves, remake ourselves in the wake of new context. I'm no stranger to this phenomenon, but I don't necessarily like it. Marriage and motherhood hit me the hardest. I didn't want to assimilate a new identity, I resisted the idea of redefinition, was uneasy with the context, with the responsibility. I take commitment and responsibility so very seriously.

But this time, I sought change. I saw possibility and chased after it. Chased it, embraced it, got scared, took a step back and wondered what the hell was I doing.

My default setting is silence. My default setting is reticence.

I changed the setting. I am resisting the impulse to push the button that says "default." I am resisting a return to silence.

I am not shy, but I shy away from contact. Contact is commitment and responsibility, and I fear it as much as I want it. But I find I'm willing to negotiate terms. That's new.

I want the luxury of conversation; I want the luxury of shared laughter; I want that perfect moment of connection, of accord.

Don't we all?

I hold myself back, but others hold on to me, too. Their intentions are good, but sometimes I drown in the weight of their need. It is my responsibility and I take it seriously, so I won't say no when I've already said yes. This is my dilemma because I know that my life is good.

I didn't take back that other yes, either, even if it looked like it. I backed up but I came back. I am trying to reconcile what I want, what I need, with what I have.

Free lance, free agent. There are ways in which I am free, ways in which I am not. I think this is by my own choice. But I find I'm willing to negotiate terms.

I know that only I can save myself. But I need a compass, draw me a map. I've never been afraid to ask for directions, but I'm not sure I've ever admitted that I'm lost.

And I'm lost in more ways than one.

Go listen to some good music: "Square One" from the album X & Y by Coldplay. Ok, so here's the test: Do you actually read this part of the blog? Because up there, that's all writing, you know? And this is me. Well, that's me too, but that's me being boring, and wrangling with what has been driving me crazy for...oh, I don't know. Awhile. In a literary sort of way. Down here, I could start talking about listening to this album or the 70-odd parrots that flew by this morning. You just never know.

1 comment:

jeannette stgermwin said...

I LIKE your writing, because it seems honest. I sometimes have that feeling too that I've outgrown my own life. but what to do with that??? I don't know...
When life's questions are too big for me, it helps to go back painting - so that's what I'll do (smirk) cheers, jeannette