24 September 2008

Language

Sometimes we see what we want to see and sometimes we see what we're meant to see.

Sometimes--if you're me, anyway--your field of vision is narrow. Keep your eye on the ball.

Which has been firmly lobbed back to my side of the court.

So.

To be fair to myself, my goal in life may not have been lofty, but it was worthy.

Self-sufficiency. Quite simply, I would never have to worry about being dependant on another person. Ever.

Given the circumstances of my childhood, it's understandable that there would be a certain lack of imagination in a vision for the future.

Not that I lack imagination where the world around me is concerned. I probably have a surfeit. But I lack imagination in dealing with myself. I set preposterous limits on what I allow for myself.

I succeeded magnificently in attaining my goal. Though I never recognized my success, it would seem, because my field of vision remained narrow, and I kept flogging myself to continue achieving the same goal. Oh, I put different names to it--perfect student, perfect employee, hardworking wife and mother, solid citizen--but it's all the same goal.

My vision widened this year.

I am in the peculiar position of knowing what I want, and having no idea how to get there. I have no map for this. My desire is not pragmatic, and I've let my heart have a say in the matter, which never happens.

I was starting to move in the right direction, but I lost my nerve, and reeled myself back in. Which, on one hand, was dumb--I can do this--but more to the point, it just confused everyone, including me. So many people see me as invulnerable, so it would never occur to them that I was simply...scared.

I still am. But I've convinced myself that with a little patience, everything might work out yet.

I won't use words again
They don't mean what I meant
They don't say what I said

They're just the crust of the meaning with realms underneath
Never touched, never stirred
Never even moved through


Go listen to some good music: "Language" from the album Solitude Standing by Suzanne Vega.

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